Thursday, February 13, 2014

That's My Boy - 2012

"That's My Boy" - 2012
Dir. by Sean Anders - 1 hr. 56 min.

Official Trailer

by Clayton Hollifield

There are people that would have you believe that any time Adam Sandler sets foot in front of a camera, you instantly have a contender for the Worst Film of the Year.  So much so that it's become an eye-rollingly lazy assessment, one that says more about the reviewer than the film in question.  "That's My Boy" is not the worst film of it's year.  I don't know what film was, but to my tastes, it would have to be one of the legion of joyless, devoid of love film designed to push toys via explosions and a humorless steroidal crew trying so hard to be badasses, but are undone by the fact that none of them are over five foot six nor one hundred fifty pounds.  Is "That's My Boy" a good movie?  Not really, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that Adam Sandler is a Job Creator, and what have you ever created aside from a daily pile of loose stool?  Who are you to judge anything?

The film itself is a paragon of American Values; honesty, the importance of family, and buying American-made.  Babies get made the way they get made, but circumstances (and a vital lack of liberal sexual indoctrination) leave the thirteen-year old Donny (Adam Sandler) with a son.  Donny and his son, Han Solo (Andy Samberg) travel a rocky path, one that leaves them estranged, and neither are happy.  Donny stares down an insurmountable tax bill (thanks, Obamacare), his only hope of covering is to reunite with his son.  Meanwhile, Han has changed his name and invented a fictitious back-story, trying to ingratiate himself into the One Percent.  Han's marriage announcement finds it's way to Donny, and the reconciliation starts haltingly.  At the same time, Donny always has the King of Beers at hand, supporting the American economy by buying the greatest beer ever made, American Made.

In real life, Adam Sandler makes movies with steely determination and oat bran-fueled regularity.  For more than twenty years now, he has been keeping his crew of liberal sleazebags gainfully employed and off the streets, otherwise the crime rate would have surely risen, coating our society with a nearly imperceptible, yet acutely odiferous veneer of low morals.  Ask yourself, would you rather have this crew of ragamuffins contained to the silver screen, where you can't smell them or be accosted by their insistent cries for spare change, or would you rather have them in your town, on your streets, and in your daughter's bedroom?  Adam Sandler creates jobs, makes money, and keeps the mentally-challenged entertained as well.  What have you done to make your community safer?  Cowered behind your doors while sipping lattes?  Exercised your First Amendment rights?  Gone cheese shopping?  There is only one kind of cheese for Americans, called American, and it's individually wrapped in cellophane for your protection.  Cheese variety is a secret Muslim plot to keep you from enjoying more Adam Sandler films, and that's not an America I want to live in.

I personally find it comforting to know that every single year, Adam Sandler will wrangle his batch of miscreants with enough skill and organizational know-how to produce a feature film, containing pretty much the same jokes last year's model had, and usually having most of the same Godless Hollyweirdos in the cast.  This is American Exceptionalism: find one thing that works, and then cram it down people's throats repeatedly until you die, and be sure to call it innovation.  I'm glad that Adam Sandler has been making movies for twenty years, and if you don't like that, why don't you move to San Salvador or something?  I hope he makes movies for another twenty years.

1.5 / 5 - TV (HD)

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